My name is KOKO and I was kidnapped!!! Part 1

Map of Koko's disappearance.

My name is koko and I was kidnapped against my will in the second week of Ramadhan 2011, as I was going to Surau An-Nur for terawih prayer. The last person to see me alive, kicking and running on my short fat legs was Shima's bro, Ayah Hir, who was driving past. He scrolled down his window, yelled "koko!!" And continued on his way as if he didn't call me in the first place. What was that for? Men. They never cease to confuse me.

I was about 10 meters away from the masjid when I suddenly decided to check out the longkang for fun. Suddenly, out of the nowhere, this other guy comes and swoops me in his arms. The next thing I know, I was in the car heading towards his house, with the wind messing up my hair. I know I'm pretty and all, but is this really necessary? I do have rights ya know? "I demand to be released at once" I screamed. Unfortunately he was Malay. He did not understand Persian one bit.

the guy who took me in.

He took me home to his wife. She was cute. Late 20's and she was all over me. Poor thing. She goes. Where did you find her? She's so beautiful and a little bit stinky. And she's Persian, unlike our other 8 cats who have nothing else going for them. Persians are so expensive, big brother. We have to keep her.

That night, I miowed and miowed but all was in vain. I missed Shima so much!! But I know she must not be missing me yet because she's busy with god-knows-what stuff. She will probably notice I'm gone by the third day. And even then she might still be ecstatically happy. Because I'm always peeing on her shoes. I'm so sorry!!! I promise next time I'll pee on the grass!! I promise, you won't ever have to throw away a great pair of shoes ever again because I peed on them. I promise if it ever happens again it's all Winky's fault.

Day 3-- I have come to accept that Shima, Jah or nobody from home was ever coming to get me. The family kept me inside the house--how would anybody know I was kidnapped? They gave me low quality kati food and I can't chew on it cause half my teeth are gone. There were 8 other cats of no particular race living with us: Stinky, Busuk, Comot, Popo, Popot, Punpun and some other conventional names. None of them talk persian or even have self-esteem. They all go around spreading flees and claw each other over the nasi mixed with ikan masin. I so missed my Science Diet premium cat food and fresh bowl of milk. I lost 209 gms the first week without even going through Atkins. I am beginning to think that I was crazy to check out that longkang after dark, I should have gone straight to the surau.  I began to miss Comu with his crazy silent ways and I even began to miss Winky and his crazy hunting skills. I wasn't missing Dimot yet though. That won't happen until I get really desperate.

Day 10 and I have began to accept my fate. I am a prisoner. It's Shawshank Redemption all over again. I am innocent, but stuck in here I'm turning into a feline crook with a bad rep and all the other kitties are starting to get wary. In retrospect, perhaps it was my fault. Perhaps I shouldn't have been too friendly to strangers. I should scratch them blind next time a stranger tries to lay a finger on me. Or do a jiggle. Or what is that the Arabs are really good at? Belly dancing? Yep. That'll will really turn people off. That's why there's no breed of Arab cats.

2 weeks. There was a big commotion going on in the house. Apparently tomorrow is the raya celebration and the family is going to Kelantan to celebrate. And I am going with them. Because I am totally worth it.. I can see the box they're taking me in. Its square with two holes cut out.

I have never been to Kelantan before, although I may have passed it from air on the way to Kuala Lumpur from Europe. If these people put me on a plane, I will commit suicide. Remind me again why I have to go to Kelantan for raya? I am a cat and I do not celebrate raya for goodness sakes. With my old family--whom I missed so much *sob* me, Comu, Dimot and Winky will be locked up in the house for two days with 4 gigantic bowls of food in the kitchen and 3 litter boxes on the third floor. Where we party. Good times. *SOB*.

As I miserably stare out the window, a piece of paper silently drifted past and settled itself onto the glass pane. There, staring back at me was.....ME!! 5 years younger, plumper, with more hair and no eye-bags. The flyer said, in big bold lettering:

KOKO 

LOST 

RM100 REWARD. 

CALL SHIMA 012- 555 5555

JAH 016 - 555 5555 

ASAP!!

I gasp. Miow!!!! Miow!!! This is ME!! The wifey looked at me. What is it kitty? she says. She calls me kitty. As if I'm a regular cat. No time to be picky though. I pawed the glass. She saw the poster. Is that really you Kitty? She says. I dont think so~~~!!.

I nearly cursed at Shima. She could have at least put a recent picture of me, right? I mean, come on, this was me back when I was in the dating scene. Now I have a few white hairs, less teeth and some spare-tyres from the fresh milk she's been feeding me.

No time to complain though. Got one more night of Ramadhan to diligently pray to, before leaving for Kelantan tomorrow...

To be continued..

posted from Bloggeroid

Busy Bee at Work

PABLO MABLO. Nak? call. cepat.

Nowadays, I am so busy. Every morning, shima will gag me with antibiotics for the urinary bladder infection I am supposed to have. And at night, when I see her pretty face come back from work, I gulp in fear because its going to be another episode of choking on medicine. They don't know that my bladder infection is a mental problem brought on by Pablo. By the way, Pablo is the new addition to the family. Pablo acts like the new superstar in town. He used to be blind but now that he's got 20/20 vision he seems to be high all the time. High up in the air jumping, not marijuana.

But I forgive shima, because even though her medicine-feeding technique seems like she's trying to kill me in a not-so-subtle manner (in which case she certainly did everyone a big favor by not being a doctor), Jah is even worse. Jah cannot even get a single damn pill down my throat (and there's four of them). Jah should stick to Pablo and his conjunctivitis.

Because Pablo is so frightfully active, Grandma Opah is always yelling for us to stop playing with Pablo and feed him. Believe me Opah ku sayang, we are not messing around with Pablo. And Pablo does not want to eat because we shoved a whole bowl of premium catfood under his infected eyes and he did not even sniff it. So now Grandma Opah is adamant that she take Pablo back to the village with her and Jah disagrees, mainly because Jah feels Pablo will be better of at the RSPCA than choking on durian seeds.

[Try Pablo Bush]

And here I am now looking over shima's shoulder watching her slaving away at some powerpoint slides she's supposed to present tomorrow. She should go to sleep and continue the next morning. Pablo had just entered and exited with his crazy street dance technique and I'm feeling that bladder infection come back on. Oh no..

I am not well

Dear people,

For several days now I am not well. I suspect its the ear mites but shima and the doctors at the clinic suspect that its a bladder infection. I might have got it off Comu because he's 100.

Now I have to eat antibiotics twice a day. I wish Mama Boss was here. Because if she was, she would not let Jah and Shima choke me on those antibiotics. She would make me some medicine from herbs and ribena. Now that would really make me well -- fast.

I know Jah plans to lock me in her balcony for five days because the doctor said I should stay away from all the other cats. And eat Science diet C/D everyday which contains less sodium and good for my high blood pressure. So now I am staying clear of Jah and her new leather sofa.

Once this stupid infection is gone and I can control my call of nature, I am going back to the clinic and scratch that doctor because she said I am 63 years old.

yours affectionately,
koko

Breaking News

Pe'ah dah beranak..

koko is uninspired

Dear Koko fans,

please stop visiting this blog until I am once more inspired. See, Ocu has gone to KUIS and I am so sad. I am sad because if I puke, no one is going to clean up the mess. And if I stand by the fridge door for milk, no Ocu comes to pour me the milk. If I wait for shima to come back from work I'd be growing a beard already. And I know that grandma Opah is sad too. Because Ocu sleeps in her room all the time and they listen to korean songs together. And only Ocu tells grandma Opah to eat her nasi or she'll be babapped. Nobody else in the house knows how to use the babap word because Dewan Bahasa and Pustaka haven't published it in the latest BM dictionary yet.

I've promised Ocu that I wouldn't write about her anymore so I will change the topic. Peáh, that cat version of tarzan, has done it again, just like Britney. She's gotten pregnant and most probably will beranak on the 3rd floor, again. This means that her new kittens will run all over the plaster ceiling, like the last batch, and freak everybody out at night. And just like last time, no one knows who the father is this time around either. Actually, last time everybody thought the kittens were Fasha's but they all came out looking like Dimot. But now that Dimot's been snipped, Dimot should certainly be innocent. Unless Dimot got clever and untied his fallopian tubes, which is highly improbable because he's male (the clever part).

With Ocu so far away in Bandar Seri Putra, and Mama Boss and Big Boss even further away in the Arab continent, I think shima's feeling the general sense of boredom cause she says she's going to Penang for some serious brain racking activities and adventure, literally. Jah must be sad too cause she wants to go sun bathing in Phuket and get a tan and Armand says he's going to Terengganu to hunt some wild boars by Bukit Depu. Grandma Opah also said she wants to go to Perak, but thats what she says all the time so I'm not sure how serious she is. So if everyone's going away, I wonder who's going to feed me and clean up my litter box.. If I was one of Peáh's kids I would be flinging myself against the sliding door trying to break free (thats what happens when you grow up on the third floor of someone's house for 12 weeks). But I'm smarter than that so I think I'll just kick Dimot around and make him cry. Hopefully Tok Non or some other paid bodyguard will be around to let me out and refill the milk bowl. And maybe this time I can totally scratch that new leather sofa in Jah's room without being told off.

I need to find Comu and get some things off my untrimmed chest.

signing off,

koko
the anti-Peáh

And you are....?

There are two kinds of people in this world: those who scream in delight when they see me, and those who scream in fear. There's a third group of course, the ones with no emotional reaction whatsoever. I know there's something wrong with these people: either they have no excitement in  their life and their spouses are chewing grass in boredom, or they're just holding back.. Let me just tell you people, not letting it all out can lead to high blood pressure and stress, and perhaps a real chance at happiness. At least thats what I read from the many works of Prof Azhir. So just let it all out, scream in delight when you see me or run in fear. I promise you no one in this household will laugh out (in front of you).

But I know I did one lady a big favour. And she can probably thank me the rest of her life. This lady, parked her car at the side of the house and she left the driver's side of the door open while she buckled up her baby in the back seat. So, I conveniently jumped inside and settled in the passengers seat.

When she sat down and put her seat belt on, she suddenly noticed me sitting next to her with a big grin on my face and she screamed so loudly the whole street came out to see what was happening. Of course, shima locked the front door and denied she ever knew me so Jah had to become braveheart and save me from the screaming lady and her baby.  But that scream was 345 megaWatts of stress released right there. You're most welcome lady.

Whenever there are guests at the house, my first gut reaction is to lie down and stretch before them on the table and see what'd they do. Usually, I'd get pats and praises and ooooohhh..she's so cute, which really feeds my ego. The one time I tried stretching in the middle of the road though I nearly got killed. Thank goodness one driver had the sense to stop but that resulted in a mile of traffic jam. I was waiting for him to come out of his car, pet me and tell me how cute I am but all he did was *honk* *honk* *honk*. No manners, apparently. Of course Jah had to run out and get me out of the way, after which I got a flick on the ear from shima for being so brave.

See, this is why I used to go to pubs. At the pubs everybody makes me feel like the real me, i.e., a Japanese popstar. They let me strut on the bar counter like a Versace model and if I suddenly flop in front of them, they go all crazy and swoon. The trick is not to go to the same pub twice, because a new audience is always more enthusiastic. Besides, I don't want shima to figure out my pattern, cause if she gets bored she might dump me for one of those scottish fold cats that look deaf.

[Dream on, Helmi]

Once I've covered all the pubs in Soton, I thought I might as well go to that big pub at Shirley, which is where the Bingo house is and only about 30 minutes away by car. After all the applause and kisses, at 2 am the pub owner finally decided I should go home so he rang the number on my tag. It tickled me pink as I peeked out the window and saw shima and jah arrived outside in the grey BMW on a cold winter night in their pyjamas. Then of course I watched cheekily as they spent another half hour arguing about who should go inside into the crowded smokey room and face all the big men with tatoos all over their arms and backs, and holding snooker sticks. In the end, Jah had to come in and fetch me because shima had done her share the week before at the pub in Portswood. By the way, that was my last pub before shima finally sent me on that long trip home to live in rural Bangi. Why did you think I was miowing so much on that trip back? I thought she was going to kill me.

So which one are you? Are you a runner or a fan? Just don't use this last line on shima cause the last time someone said this to her, she put me in a cage, gave the person a killer look and didn't speak to Big Boss a whole 24 hours.

boleh tak you kurung kucing you sebab kalau i tengok kucing i rasa macam nak mati....aah aahh.. takut takut, pergi pergi, jangan jangan, tolong, tolomg, pakcikkk!!! suruhla anak you simpan kucing nie, i nak mati, i nak mati, tak bleh nafas...

You can click here to translate.

A night to remember...

Well we all know Ocu sleeps at 3 am every day because she has jet lagg since she was born. But apparently sometimes Mama Boss and Big Boss sleeps late too, because last night at 3am, as I was stretching outside the master bedroom, I overheard Mama Boss telling Big Boss that she thought she heard me being strangled and dragged down the stairs. This resulted in Big Boss hitting the alarm button on all his cars and waking up the entire neighbourhood.

Mama Boss's exact words: "Koko menjerit2 macam kena cekik, pastuh makin lama makin jauh" according to Big Boss

To tell you the truth I wasn't really being strangled. I was just choking on the grass I had earlier. And these darn hairballs on my chest aren't helping either. They make me look like a man too.

Following last nights episode, Ocu suddenly had a confesion fit at the dinner table today. The night shima's laptop got stolen, she was actually awake and heard the thieves talking outside her room. That's right: Ocu had kept this secret from Shima all along. No wonder she was losing 1 gram a day and starting to look thin. Slowly.

Well of course, now everyone was drilling her about why she didn't fly out of her room and propel herself on the thieves at 3 am in the morning like Angelina Jolie did in SALT. She had the skills right? That white belt in Taekwando should be put to good use. Okayyyy., the white belt may be the lowest level of achievement in Taekwando but if you've been at the same level for like 10 years and watched all the karate kid movies you should be a killer puncher/kicker even though you suck at dodging. So there were two men? well just throw one guy at the other. Then sit on them. Problem solved.

[Ocu will be ready for them next time.]

Over the long discussion on Ocu's apparent lack of bravery, Zahir confessed feeling guilty too. See, zahir had placed two knives under shima's desk in her bedroom, two more in the back room on her dressing table and one under the passenger seat in her car. Apparently zahir thinks all the crazy males in the universe is going to attack his eldest sister (na'uzubillah). He also had an additional parang kept under his own bed for his wife's protection. But he forgot to place one under Ocu's bed. This led to a handicapp on Ocu's part. This was the real reason why Ocu hesitated. Ocu couldn't just run out of her room and attack the theives without any weapons. Where would the drama be in that? No point hurling one guy on top of the other if they were gonna come right back up and attack her like no tomorrow.

Then Big Boss had an idea. Next time this happens, he said, lets dial the Bangi cops. That must be the most sensible idea in the entire conversation. Possibly because Big Boss is in his late 50's. All we need to do now is get the Bangi cops direct phone number. And remember folks: its not 999 cause that will only get you to the switchboard, where the operator asks you all sorts of questions the first half hour cause they're not sure if you're a prankster or really gasping from a heart attack. The problem is, the last time shima called 999 the next door neighbour died before the ambulance arrived.

But we couldn't get hold of the Bangi police's direct phone number. And the Final Solution? Big Boss says that next time this happens, Ocu can scream PEROMPAKKKK!!! from her room, and Big Boss will hit all the alarm buttons on his cars, again.

Problem solved. I love this family.