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Pe'ah dah beranak..

koko is uninspired

Dear Koko fans,

please stop visiting this blog until I am once more inspired. See, Ocu has gone to KUIS and I am so sad. I am sad because if I puke, no one is going to clean up the mess. And if I stand by the fridge door for milk, no Ocu comes to pour me the milk. If I wait for shima to come back from work I'd be growing a beard already. And I know that grandma Opah is sad too. Because Ocu sleeps in her room all the time and they listen to korean songs together. And only Ocu tells grandma Opah to eat her nasi or she'll be babapped. Nobody else in the house knows how to use the babap word because Dewan Bahasa and Pustaka haven't published it in the latest BM dictionary yet.

I've promised Ocu that I wouldn't write about her anymore so I will change the topic. Peáh, that cat version of tarzan, has done it again, just like Britney. She's gotten pregnant and most probably will beranak on the 3rd floor, again. This means that her new kittens will run all over the plaster ceiling, like the last batch, and freak everybody out at night. And just like last time, no one knows who the father is this time around either. Actually, last time everybody thought the kittens were Fasha's but they all came out looking like Dimot. But now that Dimot's been snipped, Dimot should certainly be innocent. Unless Dimot got clever and untied his fallopian tubes, which is highly improbable because he's male (the clever part).

With Ocu so far away in Bandar Seri Putra, and Mama Boss and Big Boss even further away in the Arab continent, I think shima's feeling the general sense of boredom cause she says she's going to Penang for some serious brain racking activities and adventure, literally. Jah must be sad too cause she wants to go sun bathing in Phuket and get a tan and Armand says he's going to Terengganu to hunt some wild boars by Bukit Depu. Grandma Opah also said she wants to go to Perak, but thats what she says all the time so I'm not sure how serious she is. So if everyone's going away, I wonder who's going to feed me and clean up my litter box.. If I was one of Peáh's kids I would be flinging myself against the sliding door trying to break free (thats what happens when you grow up on the third floor of someone's house for 12 weeks). But I'm smarter than that so I think I'll just kick Dimot around and make him cry. Hopefully Tok Non or some other paid bodyguard will be around to let me out and refill the milk bowl. And maybe this time I can totally scratch that new leather sofa in Jah's room without being told off.

I need to find Comu and get some things off my untrimmed chest.

signing off,

koko
the anti-Peáh

And you are....?

There are two kinds of people in this world: those who scream in delight when they see me, and those who scream in fear. There's a third group of course, the ones with no emotional reaction whatsoever. I know there's something wrong with these people: either they have no excitement in  their life and their spouses are chewing grass in boredom, or they're just holding back.. Let me just tell you people, not letting it all out can lead to high blood pressure and stress, and perhaps a real chance at happiness. At least thats what I read from the many works of Prof Azhir. So just let it all out, scream in delight when you see me or run in fear. I promise you no one in this household will laugh out (in front of you).

But I know I did one lady a big favour. And she can probably thank me the rest of her life. This lady, parked her car at the side of the house and she left the driver's side of the door open while she buckled up her baby in the back seat. So, I conveniently jumped inside and settled in the passengers seat.

When she sat down and put her seat belt on, she suddenly noticed me sitting next to her with a big grin on my face and she screamed so loudly the whole street came out to see what was happening. Of course, shima locked the front door and denied she ever knew me so Jah had to become braveheart and save me from the screaming lady and her baby.  But that scream was 345 megaWatts of stress released right there. You're most welcome lady.

Whenever there are guests at the house, my first gut reaction is to lie down and stretch before them on the table and see what'd they do. Usually, I'd get pats and praises and ooooohhh..she's so cute, which really feeds my ego. The one time I tried stretching in the middle of the road though I nearly got killed. Thank goodness one driver had the sense to stop but that resulted in a mile of traffic jam. I was waiting for him to come out of his car, pet me and tell me how cute I am but all he did was *honk* *honk* *honk*. No manners, apparently. Of course Jah had to run out and get me out of the way, after which I got a flick on the ear from shima for being so brave.

See, this is why I used to go to pubs. At the pubs everybody makes me feel like the real me, i.e., a Japanese popstar. They let me strut on the bar counter like a Versace model and if I suddenly flop in front of them, they go all crazy and swoon. The trick is not to go to the same pub twice, because a new audience is always more enthusiastic. Besides, I don't want shima to figure out my pattern, cause if she gets bored she might dump me for one of those scottish fold cats that look deaf.

[Dream on, Helmi]

Once I've covered all the pubs in Soton, I thought I might as well go to that big pub at Shirley, which is where the Bingo house is and only about 30 minutes away by car. After all the applause and kisses, at 2 am the pub owner finally decided I should go home so he rang the number on my tag. It tickled me pink as I peeked out the window and saw shima and jah arrived outside in the grey BMW on a cold winter night in their pyjamas. Then of course I watched cheekily as they spent another half hour arguing about who should go inside into the crowded smokey room and face all the big men with tatoos all over their arms and backs, and holding snooker sticks. In the end, Jah had to come in and fetch me because shima had done her share the week before at the pub in Portswood. By the way, that was my last pub before shima finally sent me on that long trip home to live in rural Bangi. Why did you think I was miowing so much on that trip back? I thought she was going to kill me.

So which one are you? Are you a runner or a fan? Just don't use this last line on shima cause the last time someone said this to her, she put me in a cage, gave the person a killer look and didn't speak to Big Boss a whole 24 hours.

boleh tak you kurung kucing you sebab kalau i tengok kucing i rasa macam nak mati....aah aahh.. takut takut, pergi pergi, jangan jangan, tolong, tolomg, pakcikkk!!! suruhla anak you simpan kucing nie, i nak mati, i nak mati, tak bleh nafas...

You can click here to translate.

A night to remember...

Well we all know Ocu sleeps at 3 am every day because she has jet lagg since she was born. But apparently sometimes Mama Boss and Big Boss sleeps late too, because last night at 3am, as I was stretching outside the master bedroom, I overheard Mama Boss telling Big Boss that she thought she heard me being strangled and dragged down the stairs. This resulted in Big Boss hitting the alarm button on all his cars and waking up the entire neighbourhood.

Mama Boss's exact words: "Koko menjerit2 macam kena cekik, pastuh makin lama makin jauh" according to Big Boss

To tell you the truth I wasn't really being strangled. I was just choking on the grass I had earlier. And these darn hairballs on my chest aren't helping either. They make me look like a man too.

Following last nights episode, Ocu suddenly had a confesion fit at the dinner table today. The night shima's laptop got stolen, she was actually awake and heard the thieves talking outside her room. That's right: Ocu had kept this secret from Shima all along. No wonder she was losing 1 gram a day and starting to look thin. Slowly.

Well of course, now everyone was drilling her about why she didn't fly out of her room and propel herself on the thieves at 3 am in the morning like Angelina Jolie did in SALT. She had the skills right? That white belt in Taekwando should be put to good use. Okayyyy., the white belt may be the lowest level of achievement in Taekwando but if you've been at the same level for like 10 years and watched all the karate kid movies you should be a killer puncher/kicker even though you suck at dodging. So there were two men? well just throw one guy at the other. Then sit on them. Problem solved.

[Ocu will be ready for them next time.]

Over the long discussion on Ocu's apparent lack of bravery, Zahir confessed feeling guilty too. See, zahir had placed two knives under shima's desk in her bedroom, two more in the back room on her dressing table and one under the passenger seat in her car. Apparently zahir thinks all the crazy males in the universe is going to attack his eldest sister (na'uzubillah). He also had an additional parang kept under his own bed for his wife's protection. But he forgot to place one under Ocu's bed. This led to a handicapp on Ocu's part. This was the real reason why Ocu hesitated. Ocu couldn't just run out of her room and attack the theives without any weapons. Where would the drama be in that? No point hurling one guy on top of the other if they were gonna come right back up and attack her like no tomorrow.

Then Big Boss had an idea. Next time this happens, he said, lets dial the Bangi cops. That must be the most sensible idea in the entire conversation. Possibly because Big Boss is in his late 50's. All we need to do now is get the Bangi cops direct phone number. And remember folks: its not 999 cause that will only get you to the switchboard, where the operator asks you all sorts of questions the first half hour cause they're not sure if you're a prankster or really gasping from a heart attack. The problem is, the last time shima called 999 the next door neighbour died before the ambulance arrived.

But we couldn't get hold of the Bangi police's direct phone number. And the Final Solution? Big Boss says that next time this happens, Ocu can scream PEROMPAKKKK!!! from her room, and Big Boss will hit all the alarm buttons on his cars, again.

Problem solved. I love this family.

The bold and the beautiful

Now that I've introduced you to every important cat in my life, its time to talk about me for a change. Oh wait, we're forgetting someone here...Fasha. Fasha is important too, for when I tell you the story of when Dimot fell in love.

Fasha. No misai kontot here eh..

When Fasha arrived at the back door last year, all the humans in the household thought she was bold and beautiful, so they called her Fasha, you know, after that hot malaysian actress who, according to Mak Yang, breaks up everyone's relationships (Mak Yang is where we get all our Malaysian artist's news from, cause everyone else can't be bothered). It turns out later that Fasha was a he: Jah watched Fasha from behind one day and made the announcement during dinner: Fasha jantanlah!!! something like that anyway.

 [No comment]

Assuming Jah was talking about Fasha the cat, well, of course I knew that already, and it wasn't a big deal for me either (being neutered and all). But even though, Fasha is perhaps the epitome of male cats. Handsome, cool, macho and orange. Now to Ocu, that would be like the hunky guy from that silly Korean group Suju, she paid 500 ringgit to see just so that she could scream in front of him in concert (without telling Mama Boss, ---oops sorry Ocu). I mean, 10 people in a group? come on. To Jah, that would be the hunky guy she married, cause now she doesn't have a choice. To Ini, that would be the hunky doctor she met yesterday in class and sent a fb message to shima just to say how devastatingly cute he was. And to shima, that would be the hunky.... ok lets forget shima, she's just confused.

See, let me demonstrate how hunky Fasha is. Fasha would open his mouth and the miow sound wouldn't even leave yet and he'd be served food. Peáh and half the female cat population in Bangi and the surrounding areas were wobbling themselves all over Fasha. I mean, nearly all the restaurants in Bangi had frightful orange kittens with Fasha's walk or miow. Fasha was king, just like Jacko was king, minus the plastic nose.

But one day Fasha showed up with a huge bump on his face and it was so big he almost looked like he had two heads. Comu told me--over three suspenseful days--that Fasha had a fight with some beruks and probably got an infection. I sat silently and watched as Shima and Jah took him away in a box, probably to that pet clinic who shaved me shiney and killed my self-esteem.

But Fasha died a few days later. I really want to blame Ocu for forgetting to give him his antibiotics, but lets leave the past in the past. (*Ocu is guilty*). Before he died, Fasha tried to hide in the back room but Tok Non a.k.a Mr Clueless shoo-ed him away. I found the remains of Fasha's bright orange fur and skull at the bottom of the hill. Apparently Jah did too, cause she made the announcement at dinner that night: Fasha dah mati!!

Arwah Fasha Sandarr

Since this piece of old news still makes me choke, I will go now and have a nap.

I miss you

Yesterday Jah and Izzat took grandma Opah back to Teluk Intan, and suddenly I miss her very much. I go to her room and stare at her bed, it's empty. You know, grandma Opah is the only person in the household who throws rice, chicken and durian seeds to me under the table, even though Jah complains it'll make the floors sticky and shima says I'll get a stomach ache. If I go sit on the chair next to grandma Opah, she will put her hand on my head and softly whisper Payyyyyy áh. I don't feel too bad. She doesn't remember Ocu sometimes either.

Grandma opah likes to tell stories and she tells them all the time. When she was young & beautiful, seven handsome eligible young men asked for her hand in marriage. And they were all denied because, well mostly because they couldn't afford her. One of them even went out to sea and died of a broken heart. Poor guy. Then along came Grandpa Lope, the head of two villages, all experienced and established and successful and according to Grandma Opah, with three other wives in three different parts of town, two of whom she would never meet. The first time she met Grandpa Lope was on the bridal pelamin itself and she said to herself, oh-- so this is my husband. Then she went on to give him 11 kids. How cool can grandma Opah be. I can imagine shima running off if she met her husband the first time on the pelamin, good looking or not. Ini would probably disappear before they could even get her to the pelamin, she wouldn't give the poor guy a chance. Jah would crash and burn the pelamin, she wants to scare him away and Adeq would lose her breath and pengsan, then wake up and then pengsan again. Hopefully some of grandma Opah's other grandchildren have inherited her cool genes cause I'm not seeing any signs of it here in this household.

Grandma Opah is pretty generous with advice too. She gives them out freely during dinner. If you eat on two plates at once you'll be honey-ed. If you sing while you cook you'll marry an old man. If you change places at the table while you eat, you'll marry more than once. Shima must not have been paying attention to that one when she was younger. The whole table is like a merry-go-round to her.

[Grandpa Lope was 20 years older than grandma Opah, but greatgranpa Tok was 10 years younger than greatgrandma Onyang. I don't know who these people are, but old men shouldn't be wearing necklaces. Unless that's a tag with his mom's number on it.]

Then there's the more horrifying words of wisdom: if you lie on your belly and point your feet to the sky your mom will die. If you sharpen a pencil on both sides your mom will die. If you take a picture of three people one of them will die. If the food you cook is too salty you're getting married soon. Who was the creative git who came up with that one.

I'm so glad I eat pre-packed food on my little mat at the corner of the kitchen. It's so complicated to be human with all this superstitious nonsensical-sounding knowledge passing around. I'm still missing grandma Opah though, and the durian seeds.